Attempt number three at trying to create something vaguely resembling boobs of the same size has just taken place. And so, once again, I’m back home from hospital, wearing a sports bra to bed and having to make do with the briefest of showers rather than my daily full soak while the bandages are still in place.
I shouldn’t complain. I know I’m very lucky that my wonderful doctors aren’t just telling me to pull myself together and accept the wonkiness. I’m extremely fortunate that, last Thursday, I spent three hours under the knife for corrective and cosmetic purposes rather than because I’m unwell.
It still gets me down though. I start acting like an ill person the minute I’m settled into my hospital bed and the lovely nurse comes in to check my blood pressure for the first time. And, once the sexy backless hospital gown goes on? And the super duper knee length anti embolism stockings? Well, it’s like I’ve never been away…
I actually quite enjoyed being put to sleep this time though. Brenda, my friendly anesthetist, took a different approach to normal as she gently placed the mask over my face and told me to take some deep breathes. ‘Where would you like to be?’ She asked me. ‘Right now. Anywhere in the world…’
‘Somewhere warm,’ I mumbled with a shocking lack of originality as I stared up at the fluorescent lights overhead and gulped in the familiar smell of sleep inducing gas.
And that’s all Brenda needed.
‘You’re on a bea-u-tiful beach. The sky is blue and the sun is shining.
You’re lying on the soft, white sand without a care in the world and all you can hear is the sound of the waves lapping against the shore.
You’re completely relaxed. Your whole body is relaxed.
Completely and deeply re -‘
The next thing I knew I was back in my room, morphined up to the eyeballs and vaugely aware that my left boob was now strapped so high that it was practically touching my chin.
Job done. Again. Or not…
Ah well, if I find I’m still the proud owner of two totally different sized breasts we can always try again. As long as Brenda’s there, to hold my hand and take me travelling as I drift off into a deep, pain free, oblivious, sleep. It was a rather lovely trip….